hmmm....

[roxy]

Whenever I read a character using a "generous amount" of lube--of anything really, I immediately flash to Second City-era Eugene Levy doing a commercial. Man, it kicks me out of the fic every time. It's kind of a "HAH! ew." thing, not to disrespect Mr. Levy as he is a fine actor and seems a nice man. Just. Um, not in my buttsex stories, thank you.

Comments

[portraitofafool.livejournal.com]

I don't know SCTV (other than by name) but I always think of the Olestra warnings when I read something like that: "May cause anal leakage" and then this other thing I read--a true story--where the guy used too much lube (you really can be too generous, it seems) and made a bit of an... ah... accidental laxative. Shit got real. /baaaad joke

So. Yeah.

What I also hate reading--and came thisclose to ranting about the other night--is how, for some amazing fucking reason, there is always "some kind of natural lubricant" in gross quantities when there's no feasible way there'd be actual KY on hand given the situation. Um. No. Men do not naturally lubricate, not even a little bit, particularly not with their peens oozing (oh, yes) the natural lube. That's worse than the magically lubricating ass trope is. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

And another one that will have me slamming a tab closed toot-sweet? The use of the "word" Ngh in "sexytimes dialog". Okay, I don't need people to try and write the sex noises, particularly not a sex noise that sounds more like the person is gagging (seriously, try to say "Ngh" and see what happens). That's not even the onomatopoeia equivalent of anything. Unless it's, I dunno, Czech for "fuck me harder, stud". *hands*

And I'm spent.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

*FALLS DOWN LAUGHING*

I love your rants, you know!

Shit got real. /baaaad joke
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!!! It's funny because it's true!

Yeah, I'm perfectly okay and more than willing to go along with the "perfect sex every time" thing but really...let's cut down on the rimming, because yeah, that's not as spontaneous a thing as fic would like us to think, and on lubricant of which there is soooooooooooooooo little in that part of things. Also, one finger, two, three...ho-hum. And that noise. I don't know if I've used it, I like to think 'no' because I'm not super fond of it unless it's plopped in the middle of sex that is so smoking hot, I hardly know what I'm reading anyway....*koff*

Unless it's, I dunno, Czech for "fuck me harder, stud".
*laughs helplessly*

[portraitofafool.livejournal.com]

Ya know, "Ngh!" can throw me out of sex that is smoking hot--it happened to me the other night. I reared back in my chair and went, "No. No. Nope." and closed the tab. Which was annoying because it was a decent story, plot-wise. Then well, the author tried to write sex and messed it up SO BAD. I find that happens a LOT: People can write what are sometimes truly awesome stories, but then it gets to the porn and it's either "ho-hum" (and serves no purpose to the story) or it's actually kind of GROSS. I don't mean too graphic, either, I mean the way it's described. Soul-searching emo sex in a dark/horror/angst-from-hell fic will also throw me off really bad. You have all this horrible shit going on... but then it comes time to ::ahem:: "consummate" their love and they both turn into a pair of over-hormonal girls. Which brings me to my next point of DO NOT WANT: the over-feminization of male characters. Just because Dean likes taking it up the ass, that does not mean his butt = surrogate vagina.

The only thing I don't mind--much--is the one-finger, two-finger, three-finger stuff because I do feel there should be some prep going on. I just don't want to read about it in slow motion, so to speak. Let me know prep has been done, but don't talk to me about it for six paragraphs. Otoh (no pun intended) I also dislike--though I can deal with it--sex that involves no prep, no lube, just a dick "slamming" into someone's ass and-- Suddenly! There is buttsex ecstasy! NO. THAT WOULD HURT AND MAY CAUSE BLEEDING/TEARING and/or all manner of unpleasant repercussions.

Um. TL;DR: I am really picky about the porn I will read without having a shit-fit of, "YOU DON'T DO THAT!!", getting irritated (or grossed out) and closing the tab. Thank you, fumbling author without a clue, you have just ruined my reading happiness. I find so many people are sucktastic at writing sex scenes that I find believable and enjoyable (even if it is “bad sex”—make me believe it and we’re good) that I am very gun-shy about reading NC-17 fics these days. Because I know most people rate their stories that because of sex and sex alone (I don’t necessarily because I write some really vile stuff on occasion that involves no sex) and therefore, I run away. I just don’t want to deal with it. And that, my friend, is fucked up and sad, but so not my fault at least.

Aaaaand… :D You like my rants! I have been de-friended (several times) over my rants. Apparently I offend. The behavior just confuses me, tbh because I’ve been ditched over werewolves en masse before. So, I’m glad someone out there likes them. Lol.

Omg, I just babbled so bad. Oooopssss. *scuffs feet*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Awwwwwwww...this LJ is built on babble!! Babble is a good thing, especially when it's about something and it's clever besides. :)

Lately I've been just skipping over the sex, the pasted-on sex, the sex because I'm three chapters in and it's time for sex sex, the i write these sex bits for my friends sex. I'm having more and more difficulty writing sex myself and I'm getting kind of picky about my porn. Though I'm more than happy to encourage a newbie who's not quite there but really trying. Like...a porny godmother, yeah.

[gingersnap1224.livejournal.com]

Hahaha porny godmother. I'm picturing you with a tiara made of little penises.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

ooooooooo...made of *gold*.