*sigh*

[roxy]

Today, I had a very messy, loud, and wet breakdown on the phone, calling out from work. It was truly disgusting, filled with lots of hyperventilating and some snot. This comes from trying to work through a labyrinth of shit that I created by not being on top of my dad's stuff. It really sucks that I can't point at someone else and blame them for all the crap that I'm swimming through. Besides, I've already cursed myself out more times than anyone else could.

I spent the major part of the day on the phone and there might be some progress and I might get out of this almost okay. But I'm not taking a breath until I know for sure. One bright spot--I got a lot of reading done while holding for everyone and their granny and the bank was very patient with my loud, soggy outburst. I guess this is going to take a very long time to fix, and in the meantime, I can't let it rule me but fuck, it's hard for it not to.

Thanks, I had to get that off my chest. Wow, and yesterday was so nice. I kind of knew I was going to pay for it today. Ach, well, tomorrow's another day, yes?

The icon says it all. ;)

Comments

[myownghost.livejournal.com]

I was very calm when Mom died, and like you, I was really good friends with her. It was as if she was so much a part of me that I hadn't lost her completely. It's a different dynamic with a father, maybe. Not too long after mine died (out in Indiana), I was driving my car down a local highway here and suddenly started talking aloud to him as if he were in the passenger seat. Every once in a while that happens while I'm driving. It's been going on five years. There's no real time limit, I think, on grief, and each loss has felt different and worked out in individual ways. I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok still to feel it.

I hope you get that sleep! ((((Roxy))))