OHMYGODYOUBASTARD!!!!!!!!
1/30/06 01:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
roxyTHis son-of-a-bitch ate my fuckin' post--GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I'm too tired to go through the whole mess again--here's the newest bit of Brothers and Heroes. Damn it. *pout* I was doin' some 'splaining too. *kicks LJ in it's nuts--not sure where they are so kicks all over like crazy thing*
Previous parts are here.
Part 31
The two of them wandered kind of aimlessly in a homeward way. Neither of them was in any hurry to get back and Lex had moved beyond the part where Harry had gone from thorn in his side to treasure, and they were talking now about Lex’s trouble in particular.
“So, you were at a party in a hotel room, with a shitload of drugs and booze, and crazy sex going on, you got caught in the hall with your pants down and Harry—and your dad got you out of it? Scott-free? That’s kind of a fucking miracle isn’t it?” Bruce asked. “Man, Pop would have killed me…”
Lex’s reached out and grabbed Bruce hard by the wrist. “No, it wasn’t a fucking miracle, it was bribes and threats and more pain then you can possibly imagine,” Lex said and Bruce looked at him, startled and a little scared at Lex’s intensity.
“Lex. What happened after the cops brought you home?”
Lex shook his head. “It’s—it’s not important, and I’m not going to talk about it. It’s all over now.”
They stopped to cool off in the shade of the trees on the side of the road. Bruce hesitated, and spoke again. “Once, a few summers ago, Clark—it was Clark’s birthday and he went to the lake with his buddies--anyway, he almost drowned, remember?”
“Yeah, fuck, I do. That scared me.”
Bruce hung his head. ”Yeah. I was off getting high with some friends of mine, shit, they weren’t even friends--I just wanted to fit in—I almost killed my brother because of stupid shit….”
Lex fixed his eyes on him and Bruce could practically feel the weight of the look. “Yeah, it was fucking stupid of you to leave Clark on his own then.”
“Wow, thanks, I feel better now.”
“You shouldn’t—you screwed up. Just like I screwed up. You’re lucky that in the end, Clark was okay—I’m not sure my screw up isn’t going to backfire horribly on me. Vic is probably not coming back from overseas for ages and now Harry’s going too and…whew.” He stopped and rubbed his forehead before walking on.
Bruce walked behind him, a little reluctant to catch up to him and get that look again. He watched him, the way he moved, the way he swung his arms and stepped like he owned the world—how did he do that, Bruce wondered, how did you cover all that hurt and uncertainty like that? ‘I love you, he thought. But I don’t know how to say it. Would it matter at all?’
Suddenly Lex spoke and Bruce stumbled, startled out of his well of self-pity. “I miss him Bruce. I miss him so damn much--Fucking world. You have no idea how horrible it is.”
Yes I do, Bruce thought. Yes I do.
*****
A few days later, Lex decided he would—should-- tell Clark as well. He had the feeling that living with this secret was going to be hard enough; he didn’t have the strength to lie to his family too. Aunt Martha knew, and he was fairly certain Uncle Jon knew, if the manly bonding-type shoulder pats meant anything. Bruce knew and he felt it was only fair that Clark knew too. He was sure he could explain the concept of homosexuality to him, certain too that Clark could still love him even if he didn’t understand.
******
“Listen, Clark, I want to tell you something and promise me you won’t freak until I’m done?”
“Okay, I won’t.” they were sitting in the cool shadowed interior of the barn, Clark was sitting on one of the lower steps that led to the loft, Lex crouched down and looked up at him so seriously. He looked so handsome, so sexy—James Dean sexy, bet his eyes were the same color. If he bent forward just an inch or so, he could reach out and touch that little scar on his upper lip, he thought, and a pleasant tingle tickled him inside. Lex swallowed and seemed like he was having trouble speaking. Clark was really puzzled. What the heck did he want, and then it hit him—could Lex want to talk to him about—liking him? Was that why he was so nervous? His heart swelled painfully, so full of hope, anticipation, that he felt like it was about to burst—Lex went on. “Clark, I’m in love with someone.”
Clark heart skipped. Love? Me? Love…oh no. Like a flower unfolding, the truth opened in layers in his mind. What Lex had to say had nothing to do with him. Would never have anything to do with him, He was in love with Victoria, Clark meant less than nothing.
He breathed in and out and let the hurt steady him. “I didn’t know that you and Victoria. That much. Cared.” His face burned, and he wanted to shrink inside himself.
Lex looked surprised. “Vic? Oh, no, not Vic.” A smile flitted over his lips and disappeared like ripples in a pond. He went on. “Not Vic, it’s my other friend. I love him.” He paused and sighed, said, “I’m in love with Harry.
Clark felt a roaring in his head. “Your friend? Harry?”
“I know it sounds strange, weird. But it’s love.”
Clark shook his head. “Stop saying that—you can’t love him. You don’t mean that.”
“Clark, it’s true, men can care about each other like that. They do care about each other like that sometimes. Are you upset? You think it’s wrong?”
“No!” Clark yelled and pushed Lex over. He jumped to his feet, a storm of emotion darkening his face. “No,” he said in a softer tone. “I don’t think it’s wrong.”
Lex looked up from the floorboards at Clark in shock and Clark blushed. “It’s just, well, just.” He shrugged and reached down to pull Lex back up. “So…” Clark asked and felt like he was cracking into a million pieces inside. “How can you be sure you love him?”
“He makes me feel happy. When I’m with him it’s better.”
Clark screamed inside, I can make it better for you, I can, but he was Bruce’s little brother, that’s all, all he would ever be, a stupid little kid in love with someone as far out of his reach as dead James Dean. Forever right in front of him and a million, million miles away.
*******
Lex noticed that Clark was quieter around him after their talk, definitely a little reserved but he’d expected as much, he was just grateful that he didn’t turn away from him completely.
His reaction had been…bad, but not as bad as it could have been; Clark was a surprisingly mature and understanding kid, thank God.
He smiled when he saw Lex, but there where no more surprise flying hugs, no more questions and “guess what Pete said, guess what Whitney said” and no more sitting on his bed and eating cereal on the sly. He didn’t meet his eyes when speaking to him now, and Lex never knew how wounding that could be.
Clark still stopped and said good night before bed, like he did with everyone in the family. That at least gave him hope that this would eventually pass and they’d be as close as before again. It hurt, this dimming of their relationship. A lot more than he’d expected it would, and the thought that they might never heal this rift….
On the other hand, it was probably a blessing in disguise. Lex felt awful but more and more it was getting harder for him to see Clark as a little kid. He was kind of…beautiful. He found it hard not to stare at him when the afternoon sun turned him gold, like honey poured over him and dripping bright beads from every part of him—sometimes his tongue ached just wanting. …
Sunlight seemed to love Clark as much as he loved it. When he turned his face up to the sky, eyes closed and his nose wrinkled, laughing into the glow, it looked like he was being stroked by a lover’s hand. Thoughts like that made him cringe inside, and pray it didn’t show. God, he loved Harry, without a doubt, he loved him so much but this thing he was starting to feel for Clark felt older than that, felt like it’d been hiding under his skin forever just waiting to be born.
And that was the fucking worse part. It felt beyond right and it was wrong, so fucking wrong and he needed to concentrate on Harry and how he could get in touch with him again—maybe he could get Bruce to help.
SURPRISE!!! tbc. kidding. no surprise.
I'm too tired to go through the whole mess again--here's the newest bit of Brothers and Heroes. Damn it. *pout* I was doin' some 'splaining too. *kicks LJ in it's nuts--not sure where they are so kicks all over like crazy thing*
Previous parts are here.
Part 31
The two of them wandered kind of aimlessly in a homeward way. Neither of them was in any hurry to get back and Lex had moved beyond the part where Harry had gone from thorn in his side to treasure, and they were talking now about Lex’s trouble in particular.
“So, you were at a party in a hotel room, with a shitload of drugs and booze, and crazy sex going on, you got caught in the hall with your pants down and Harry—and your dad got you out of it? Scott-free? That’s kind of a fucking miracle isn’t it?” Bruce asked. “Man, Pop would have killed me…”
Lex’s reached out and grabbed Bruce hard by the wrist. “No, it wasn’t a fucking miracle, it was bribes and threats and more pain then you can possibly imagine,” Lex said and Bruce looked at him, startled and a little scared at Lex’s intensity.
“Lex. What happened after the cops brought you home?”
Lex shook his head. “It’s—it’s not important, and I’m not going to talk about it. It’s all over now.”
They stopped to cool off in the shade of the trees on the side of the road. Bruce hesitated, and spoke again. “Once, a few summers ago, Clark—it was Clark’s birthday and he went to the lake with his buddies--anyway, he almost drowned, remember?”
“Yeah, fuck, I do. That scared me.”
Bruce hung his head. ”Yeah. I was off getting high with some friends of mine, shit, they weren’t even friends--I just wanted to fit in—I almost killed my brother because of stupid shit….”
Lex fixed his eyes on him and Bruce could practically feel the weight of the look. “Yeah, it was fucking stupid of you to leave Clark on his own then.”
“Wow, thanks, I feel better now.”
“You shouldn’t—you screwed up. Just like I screwed up. You’re lucky that in the end, Clark was okay—I’m not sure my screw up isn’t going to backfire horribly on me. Vic is probably not coming back from overseas for ages and now Harry’s going too and…whew.” He stopped and rubbed his forehead before walking on.
Bruce walked behind him, a little reluctant to catch up to him and get that look again. He watched him, the way he moved, the way he swung his arms and stepped like he owned the world—how did he do that, Bruce wondered, how did you cover all that hurt and uncertainty like that? ‘I love you, he thought. But I don’t know how to say it. Would it matter at all?’
Suddenly Lex spoke and Bruce stumbled, startled out of his well of self-pity. “I miss him Bruce. I miss him so damn much--Fucking world. You have no idea how horrible it is.”
Yes I do, Bruce thought. Yes I do.
*****
A few days later, Lex decided he would—should-- tell Clark as well. He had the feeling that living with this secret was going to be hard enough; he didn’t have the strength to lie to his family too. Aunt Martha knew, and he was fairly certain Uncle Jon knew, if the manly bonding-type shoulder pats meant anything. Bruce knew and he felt it was only fair that Clark knew too. He was sure he could explain the concept of homosexuality to him, certain too that Clark could still love him even if he didn’t understand.
******
“Listen, Clark, I want to tell you something and promise me you won’t freak until I’m done?”
“Okay, I won’t.” they were sitting in the cool shadowed interior of the barn, Clark was sitting on one of the lower steps that led to the loft, Lex crouched down and looked up at him so seriously. He looked so handsome, so sexy—James Dean sexy, bet his eyes were the same color. If he bent forward just an inch or so, he could reach out and touch that little scar on his upper lip, he thought, and a pleasant tingle tickled him inside. Lex swallowed and seemed like he was having trouble speaking. Clark was really puzzled. What the heck did he want, and then it hit him—could Lex want to talk to him about—liking him? Was that why he was so nervous? His heart swelled painfully, so full of hope, anticipation, that he felt like it was about to burst—Lex went on. “Clark, I’m in love with someone.”
Clark heart skipped. Love? Me? Love…oh no. Like a flower unfolding, the truth opened in layers in his mind. What Lex had to say had nothing to do with him. Would never have anything to do with him, He was in love with Victoria, Clark meant less than nothing.
He breathed in and out and let the hurt steady him. “I didn’t know that you and Victoria. That much. Cared.” His face burned, and he wanted to shrink inside himself.
Lex looked surprised. “Vic? Oh, no, not Vic.” A smile flitted over his lips and disappeared like ripples in a pond. He went on. “Not Vic, it’s my other friend. I love him.” He paused and sighed, said, “I’m in love with Harry.
Clark felt a roaring in his head. “Your friend? Harry?”
“I know it sounds strange, weird. But it’s love.”
Clark shook his head. “Stop saying that—you can’t love him. You don’t mean that.”
“Clark, it’s true, men can care about each other like that. They do care about each other like that sometimes. Are you upset? You think it’s wrong?”
“No!” Clark yelled and pushed Lex over. He jumped to his feet, a storm of emotion darkening his face. “No,” he said in a softer tone. “I don’t think it’s wrong.”
Lex looked up from the floorboards at Clark in shock and Clark blushed. “It’s just, well, just.” He shrugged and reached down to pull Lex back up. “So…” Clark asked and felt like he was cracking into a million pieces inside. “How can you be sure you love him?”
“He makes me feel happy. When I’m with him it’s better.”
Clark screamed inside, I can make it better for you, I can, but he was Bruce’s little brother, that’s all, all he would ever be, a stupid little kid in love with someone as far out of his reach as dead James Dean. Forever right in front of him and a million, million miles away.
*******
Lex noticed that Clark was quieter around him after their talk, definitely a little reserved but he’d expected as much, he was just grateful that he didn’t turn away from him completely.
His reaction had been…bad, but not as bad as it could have been; Clark was a surprisingly mature and understanding kid, thank God.
He smiled when he saw Lex, but there where no more surprise flying hugs, no more questions and “guess what Pete said, guess what Whitney said” and no more sitting on his bed and eating cereal on the sly. He didn’t meet his eyes when speaking to him now, and Lex never knew how wounding that could be.
Clark still stopped and said good night before bed, like he did with everyone in the family. That at least gave him hope that this would eventually pass and they’d be as close as before again. It hurt, this dimming of their relationship. A lot more than he’d expected it would, and the thought that they might never heal this rift….
On the other hand, it was probably a blessing in disguise. Lex felt awful but more and more it was getting harder for him to see Clark as a little kid. He was kind of…beautiful. He found it hard not to stare at him when the afternoon sun turned him gold, like honey poured over him and dripping bright beads from every part of him—sometimes his tongue ached just wanting. …
Sunlight seemed to love Clark as much as he loved it. When he turned his face up to the sky, eyes closed and his nose wrinkled, laughing into the glow, it looked like he was being stroked by a lover’s hand. Thoughts like that made him cringe inside, and pray it didn’t show. God, he loved Harry, without a doubt, he loved him so much but this thing he was starting to feel for Clark felt older than that, felt like it’d been hiding under his skin forever just waiting to be born.
And that was the fucking worse part. It felt beyond right and it was wrong, so fucking wrong and he needed to concentrate on Harry and how he could get in touch with him again—maybe he could get Bruce to help.
SURPRISE!!! tbc. kidding. no surprise.
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1/30/06 06:48 am (UTC)OOO--did I tell you thanks for the card? and for Lex? *senility cloud the brain* You inspired me--well, you and Frommie. I'm sketching away, I'm wanting to do a short and pornographic comic. Wish me luck! *hughughug*
In order...
1/30/06 03:15 pm (UTC)You're welcome!
and...
What's this about porn?!! And you're drawing is involved??!!
That is going to be awesome! I can't wait to see it!!
No, really. That's about as cool an idea as I can imagine.
I'm sending you all my
luck</strike) porny thoughts for that one! On second thought, you do pretty good on porny thoughts on your own as well! Not that it ever hurts to have more. ;D