sv fic post: transference part 11
10/5/07 03:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
roxyTitle: Transference
Fandom: SV
Pairing: please…
Rating: PG
It's a very tiny bit, but I'm trying!
to refresh your memories, here are all the previous parts
Clark jogged slowly around the running path of the little park behind the high school and he worried. He thought about what he meant to say to Lois, wrote and rewrote it in his head, wanting to—to not hurt her, to explain it to her in a way she could understand… he ran, and worried about her reaction. He wasn't breaking up with *her*, just the relationship was taking a break--not even that—a breather, a--a—
God, he had better think of some useful term, some way to describe not breaking up-breaking up….he didn't want to lose her, but it was unfair to *her* to be so confused. He owed it to her to figure out what was what. He had to examine this weird connection to Lex—Liam. Solve it…understand it, because if he could understand it then maybe he could defuse it, he could go on with his life and Liam could go on with his.
As long as it wasn't with that jerk Ed. He really needed to let that guy go. Clark jogged a little faster. The guy was a jerk—Lex would have never given that asshole a second look. Lex had much better taste than that… Clark snorted angrily and jogged just a little faster. Heads turned his way, wide-eyed with astonishment, and he quickly slowed down again. Thinking about that man in any incarnation made him lose control.
He resolutely avoided meeting the other joggers eyes. He pasted on a carefree smile and walked the rest of the way back to his apartment.
*****
Clark showered, and dressed for a day of doing nothing much, sweats, bare feet and some band t-shirt he'd kept as a souvenir of that summer in Metropolis. He told himself the shirt was a reminder that anyone could make mistakes, go horribly wrong. But when he was being honest with himself, he knew the reason he'd kept the shirt was because it was a reminder of one night and an unbelievable blowjob that he'd gotten from the original owner of the t-shirt...a stranger with Lex's smile, his eyes. Looking down into them as he broke had been like a dream come to life…yeah, a real dream, in a stinking alley between dumpsters….
Clark shook himself. He squashed any thoughts about "then" ruthlessly, wandered into the kitchenette to make himself a sandwich, and think about what he was going to say to Lois that would let him live with himself.
*****
Came evening, and a short self-propelled flight later, and he was sitting at Lois' table, pouring wine, and complimenting her on her choice of take out food.
"Seriously Smallville, I know something's on your mind. You're wearing that 'I drank sour milk face'. I know something's got your panties in a knot. Spill."
"Lois…Lois, you know I love you. I'd never hurt you. Not purposely—or—or even by accident--"
She looked amused at first, then a little confused, and then…her face paled, her eyes widened for a moment, and then narrowed with a light like a laser in them. "You're fucking kidding me—you can't be serious. Wait, wait--stop right there. You think I haven't heard this same crap before—and from guys way richer than you? You think I don’t know what's next, you bastard-- 'Oh Lois, we're always going to be friends' and 'sorry, it’s not you it's me.' Well guess what—it *is* you—and I'm going to *kill* you." She jumped to her feet and leaned over the table and the little plastic fork in her hand actually looked threatening, or maybe it was the wild look in her eyes. Clark pulled back, and Lois growled at him. "What the fuck is going on, Clark Kent?"
"Lois, I don't want to lose you, I just. I just. Can’t…" he trailed off helplessly. "I need to…know."
"I knew it! I could *feel* it happening. It's that fucking guy, isn’t it! 'One time, Lois, one summer in Metropolis'" She mimicked Clark savagely and snapped," My ass! You want out so you can fuck that Luthor with a clear conscious. Well, I've got news for you—you leave, and you're not coming back here. I'm not waiting for you to—to get it out of your system! I respect myself more than that. You run around all you want, but I'm not your fall back position." She threw the little fork down. "God damn those Luthors! I hate them—no, I hate *you*--"
Clark panicked silently--she knew? How did she know—he swallowed hard. "Lois…how…how did you know about--?"
"Oh, I knew that bastard would get to you. What the fuck is it with you and Luthors anyway? Shit, you'd have to be blind not to see what Lucas wanted. All that crap—setting you up to write, to talk to that cousin…he just wanted you alone so he could seduce you. I should have *known* you'd be weak-minded enough to let him talk you into it. Look at all that crap you let that skinny little witch pull on you!"
Relief filled Clark, and on its heels a wave of fresh guilt. She was starting to cry. Clark desperately wanted to be—anywhere not there. "Fuck you, Clark Kent, fuck you!"
"Lois, I swear, I never meant to hurt you—I don’t want to! I'll. I won’t, I don’t even know if he wants me back—I--oh shit." He felt like he was being gutted from the inside out. He felt horrible, filled with stupidity layered on top of the guilt….
Hurting people. He was awfully good at that. "I'm sorry, I mean it. I won't—I promise--"
Lois threw the food at him, and he stood still, let noodles and sauce drip into his collar, slide down his shirt…"Get the fuck out. *Leave*!" She whirled, snatched his jacket off the couch and threw it at him too; she pushed him towards the door, and slammed it hard behind him. He tried to block the sound of her crying….
He felt like crap. He loved Lois, he really did. He loved talking to her, working with her, he loved her sarcasm, her sharp mind…he loved all the parts of her that reminded him of Lex.
Shit. Shit.
He felt the cold like never before as he flew back to Turnersville, keeping high above the clouds at the edge of the sky where the stars were always shining. He felt horrible that his main thought was not of Lois, but of Liam, and how much he'd love to see this….
tbc--
Fandom: SV
Pairing: please…
Rating: PG
It's a very tiny bit, but I'm trying!
to refresh your memories, here are all the previous parts
Clark jogged slowly around the running path of the little park behind the high school and he worried. He thought about what he meant to say to Lois, wrote and rewrote it in his head, wanting to—to not hurt her, to explain it to her in a way she could understand… he ran, and worried about her reaction. He wasn't breaking up with *her*, just the relationship was taking a break--not even that—a breather, a--a—
God, he had better think of some useful term, some way to describe not breaking up-breaking up….he didn't want to lose her, but it was unfair to *her* to be so confused. He owed it to her to figure out what was what. He had to examine this weird connection to Lex—Liam. Solve it…understand it, because if he could understand it then maybe he could defuse it, he could go on with his life and Liam could go on with his.
As long as it wasn't with that jerk Ed. He really needed to let that guy go. Clark jogged a little faster. The guy was a jerk—Lex would have never given that asshole a second look. Lex had much better taste than that… Clark snorted angrily and jogged just a little faster. Heads turned his way, wide-eyed with astonishment, and he quickly slowed down again. Thinking about that man in any incarnation made him lose control.
He resolutely avoided meeting the other joggers eyes. He pasted on a carefree smile and walked the rest of the way back to his apartment.
*****
Clark showered, and dressed for a day of doing nothing much, sweats, bare feet and some band t-shirt he'd kept as a souvenir of that summer in Metropolis. He told himself the shirt was a reminder that anyone could make mistakes, go horribly wrong. But when he was being honest with himself, he knew the reason he'd kept the shirt was because it was a reminder of one night and an unbelievable blowjob that he'd gotten from the original owner of the t-shirt...a stranger with Lex's smile, his eyes. Looking down into them as he broke had been like a dream come to life…yeah, a real dream, in a stinking alley between dumpsters….
Clark shook himself. He squashed any thoughts about "then" ruthlessly, wandered into the kitchenette to make himself a sandwich, and think about what he was going to say to Lois that would let him live with himself.
*****
Came evening, and a short self-propelled flight later, and he was sitting at Lois' table, pouring wine, and complimenting her on her choice of take out food.
"Seriously Smallville, I know something's on your mind. You're wearing that 'I drank sour milk face'. I know something's got your panties in a knot. Spill."
"Lois…Lois, you know I love you. I'd never hurt you. Not purposely—or—or even by accident--"
She looked amused at first, then a little confused, and then…her face paled, her eyes widened for a moment, and then narrowed with a light like a laser in them. "You're fucking kidding me—you can't be serious. Wait, wait--stop right there. You think I haven't heard this same crap before—and from guys way richer than you? You think I don’t know what's next, you bastard-- 'Oh Lois, we're always going to be friends' and 'sorry, it’s not you it's me.' Well guess what—it *is* you—and I'm going to *kill* you." She jumped to her feet and leaned over the table and the little plastic fork in her hand actually looked threatening, or maybe it was the wild look in her eyes. Clark pulled back, and Lois growled at him. "What the fuck is going on, Clark Kent?"
"Lois, I don't want to lose you, I just. I just. Can’t…" he trailed off helplessly. "I need to…know."
"I knew it! I could *feel* it happening. It's that fucking guy, isn’t it! 'One time, Lois, one summer in Metropolis'" She mimicked Clark savagely and snapped," My ass! You want out so you can fuck that Luthor with a clear conscious. Well, I've got news for you—you leave, and you're not coming back here. I'm not waiting for you to—to get it out of your system! I respect myself more than that. You run around all you want, but I'm not your fall back position." She threw the little fork down. "God damn those Luthors! I hate them—no, I hate *you*--"
Clark panicked silently--she knew? How did she know—he swallowed hard. "Lois…how…how did you know about--?"
"Oh, I knew that bastard would get to you. What the fuck is it with you and Luthors anyway? Shit, you'd have to be blind not to see what Lucas wanted. All that crap—setting you up to write, to talk to that cousin…he just wanted you alone so he could seduce you. I should have *known* you'd be weak-minded enough to let him talk you into it. Look at all that crap you let that skinny little witch pull on you!"
Relief filled Clark, and on its heels a wave of fresh guilt. She was starting to cry. Clark desperately wanted to be—anywhere not there. "Fuck you, Clark Kent, fuck you!"
"Lois, I swear, I never meant to hurt you—I don’t want to! I'll. I won’t, I don’t even know if he wants me back—I--oh shit." He felt like he was being gutted from the inside out. He felt horrible, filled with stupidity layered on top of the guilt….
Hurting people. He was awfully good at that. "I'm sorry, I mean it. I won't—I promise--"
Lois threw the food at him, and he stood still, let noodles and sauce drip into his collar, slide down his shirt…"Get the fuck out. *Leave*!" She whirled, snatched his jacket off the couch and threw it at him too; she pushed him towards the door, and slammed it hard behind him. He tried to block the sound of her crying….
He felt like crap. He loved Lois, he really did. He loved talking to her, working with her, he loved her sarcasm, her sharp mind…he loved all the parts of her that reminded him of Lex.
Shit. Shit.
He felt the cold like never before as he flew back to Turnersville, keeping high above the clouds at the edge of the sky where the stars were always shining. He felt horrible that his main thought was not of Lois, but of Liam, and how much he'd love to see this….
tbc--
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