Warning--Whining Ahead. Not That This Is News To You But...

[roxy]

...I'm a big fuckin' baby and I share this because ya'll know I'm shallow and a not very nice person anyway. My sister is visiting for the weekend with us and I feel a little like stabbing myself in the eye. I love my sister, I really do--but this new person the TBI left behind is hard to deal with. Hard to recognize. It's so difficult to talk to her, and trying to keep her focused leaves me exhausted and depressed. I suck. It's only been two days and I'm ready to melt. She has so little memories of life before that it's sad and her short term memory is--just not. She covers pretty well--you'd never be able to tell that she doesn't retain much.

Why doesn't anyone else get it? They all act like nothing's changed and any minute she's going to wake up and be herself. They're all convinced that if we worked harder (meaning me, i guess) that she'd be fine again. When I try to explain why all their brilliant ideas for her aren't going to work I'm being a bitch.

You can't hand someone a notebook and tell them to check it for information if they don't remember they have the notebook--more importantly they don't care that they have the notebook.

Oh shit, I am a bitch. A whiny bitch. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I miss her so much and I can hardly stand to be around her. Nice hunh? Yeah, I'm not the one to come to when the chips are down. No brave hardy pioneer stock here, no shouldering the burden and dealing with the cards you're dealt.

Nope--I'm a lot more of the screaming and whining and crying and ripping the shirt--the kind of person who would look down at a friend with a broken leg and say "Why?? Why does this always happen to me? And I suppose you'll want me to carry you now? Christ!"

Crap. Still friends? I totally understand if you think I suck. I think so too.

You know, if I wasn't so gosh-darn cute--I'd have been capped ages ago.

Comments

[luvmax1.livejournal.com]

I know from first hand experience that it's hard to live with an ill person. Physically or mentally ill, it doesn't really matter, because the person you know is gone, replaced by someone else, someone not all that pleasant. And as sorry as you feel for them, as much as you want to help, it's not always possible, and it leaves you feeling depressed and exhausted. So hang in there, and don't let anyone else put you down- you're doing what you can, and in the end, what else is there? And I'm always around if you need to vent.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the kindness--but see, I feel bad partly because she doesn't even live with me, I only see her every few months. I did care for her every day for about six months--and then I begged her husband to make different arrangements because I couldn't do it anymore. So there's some guilt there too. And I don't want to give the wrong impression of my people--they really are a very loving and kind bunch-- just felt a little beat up this morning. Trust me, I'm not going to play "Beat Myself Up" anymore.
I knew you were a very nice person-- thank you so much!

[luvmax1.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I understand all of it, too- the guilt, I remember from when my grandmother was ill. It's hard for everyone.