Warning--Whining Ahead. Not That This Is News To You But...

[roxy]

...I'm a big fuckin' baby and I share this because ya'll know I'm shallow and a not very nice person anyway. My sister is visiting for the weekend with us and I feel a little like stabbing myself in the eye. I love my sister, I really do--but this new person the TBI left behind is hard to deal with. Hard to recognize. It's so difficult to talk to her, and trying to keep her focused leaves me exhausted and depressed. I suck. It's only been two days and I'm ready to melt. She has so little memories of life before that it's sad and her short term memory is--just not. She covers pretty well--you'd never be able to tell that she doesn't retain much.

Why doesn't anyone else get it? They all act like nothing's changed and any minute she's going to wake up and be herself. They're all convinced that if we worked harder (meaning me, i guess) that she'd be fine again. When I try to explain why all their brilliant ideas for her aren't going to work I'm being a bitch.

You can't hand someone a notebook and tell them to check it for information if they don't remember they have the notebook--more importantly they don't care that they have the notebook.

Oh shit, I am a bitch. A whiny bitch. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I miss her so much and I can hardly stand to be around her. Nice hunh? Yeah, I'm not the one to come to when the chips are down. No brave hardy pioneer stock here, no shouldering the burden and dealing with the cards you're dealt.

Nope--I'm a lot more of the screaming and whining and crying and ripping the shirt--the kind of person who would look down at a friend with a broken leg and say "Why?? Why does this always happen to me? And I suppose you'll want me to carry you now? Christ!"

Crap. Still friends? I totally understand if you think I suck. I think so too.

You know, if I wasn't so gosh-darn cute--I'd have been capped ages ago.

Comments

[rhiannonhero.livejournal.com]

You don't suck. Not at all. Your sister, the woman you knew and now miss, doesn't exist anymore, and yet her body is right there in front of you. It must be so hard to deal with that. How does one grieve? I mean, it's hard enough to grieve a death, but it can feel like a betrayal to grieve someone who is still technically alive. But you don't suck and you need to grieve. She's not who she used to be and it's like a stranger in her body. I can't imagine the emotional havoc that must bring. Vent all you need to. You deserve a place where you can be honest without reprecussions.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's not the first time I've cried about it here, but it's where I feel most comfortable in a way. You know, you've described exactly how I feel.

[graysong.livejournal.com]

I don't think you suck at all. It's natural to feel as you do and completely understandable. It's the other's attitudes I worry about ...

*hugs* Still friends!!

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you lovey! I knew you were wonderful the first time you gave me cookies! *hugs*

[aurora-bee.livejournal.com]

You do not suck!!! Don't even go there. You are not a whiny bitch, you are going through this too. Illness effects everyone. *Hugs*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

I love you so much, my little Baby Bee! *hugkiss*

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

You don't suck. You're human, and you're having a human reaction to a difficult situation. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just accept that you're thinking these thoughts that are perfectly normal and then let them go. *hugs*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much--thank you for taking the time to make me feel better.*HUG*

[bittermint.livejournal.com]

Hey, I just friended you -- I'm not about to unfriend you yet!

And FWIW, your feelings are totally understandable. I'm going through something similar right now with my father. It's hard, no doubt about it.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Oh, great! What an impression I must be making! *blush*

It's so hard to experince these changes in someone that was so loving, so fun, so kind and so much my best friend in the whole world.
Okay-- no more whining today.

Your icon makes me smile and smile--isn't that our future president?

[suzvoy.livejournal.com]

You are so not a bitch. Nuh uh. *snuggles*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

You just say that because for some strange reason, you like me--lucky, lucky me! *kisshug*

[nashmaveric.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: Pretty sure you don't suck sweetie. It's a tough situation and it's damn hard to deal with. You're doing what you can to deal. That's all anyone can do, yeah?

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Dealing with it is all we can do--one day, kind of thing. It really does sort of work. *grin*

Thanks so much for the hug. *hugs you back*

[luvmax1.livejournal.com]

I know from first hand experience that it's hard to live with an ill person. Physically or mentally ill, it doesn't really matter, because the person you know is gone, replaced by someone else, someone not all that pleasant. And as sorry as you feel for them, as much as you want to help, it's not always possible, and it leaves you feeling depressed and exhausted. So hang in there, and don't let anyone else put you down- you're doing what you can, and in the end, what else is there? And I'm always around if you need to vent.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the kindness--but see, I feel bad partly because she doesn't even live with me, I only see her every few months. I did care for her every day for about six months--and then I begged her husband to make different arrangements because I couldn't do it anymore. So there's some guilt there too. And I don't want to give the wrong impression of my people--they really are a very loving and kind bunch-- just felt a little beat up this morning. Trust me, I'm not going to play "Beat Myself Up" anymore.
I knew you were a very nice person-- thank you so much!

[lastscorpion.livejournal.com]

Poor things! All of you! There, there. It sounds like your other relatives are still in denial. They have to come out of it at their own pace; it won't help anything to try to make them see how all their plans are hopeless before that. It must be horrible for you to see so much that's wrong and different and that you can't fix, and to be missing your sister as she used to be on top of that. I remember Pfeffa's grandfather and the Alzheimer's, but at least he was already old and had had a full life. Good luck and wishes to you all, and I hope you feel better soon. I can put on my Bo hat and say Time heals all wounds, but that probably won't help. *hugs*
:-)

((((roxy))))

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you, your hugs make me feel loved!

Yeah, it's been three years, and I don't understand why *they* don't understand. It's not that they're uncaring or cold, they just want me to tell them it can be fixed, you know?

And actually, you wearing the Bo hat would make me smile. ;)

[herohunter.livejournal.com]

I helped take care of my dad's mom before she passed away. She had Alzheimer's or some other disease like that, at the time she was diagnosed with Sclerosis but now we know better. She thought she was a teen, and at times she thought that my dad was a baby, so she never recognized him, or anybody else. She lived with us and I was with her while my dad was at work and mom doing the house stuff.
You do not suck, darling, even though you will probably always think that you do. I know I do, for all the times I thought "why to I have to deal with this??"
But know that you have friends and that everything you are feeling is absolutely normal.
With love.
Ash.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

You do not suck, darling, even though you will probably always think that you do. I know I do, for all the times I thought "why to I have to deal with this??"

It's true, it's a feeling that's hard to make go away. Thanks so much for understanding. *hug*

[katholicgrrl.livejournal.com]

you don't suck! you need to vent - do it here! it's not being whiny!

I don't know what TBI is, but i've dealt with Alzheimer's. you need support from people who understand what it's like. might there be a support group you could contact? it might help to talk to other people who are dealing with the same thing. Then it might not matter so much that the others around you are in denial. (((hugs you hard)))

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

TBI stands for "traumatic brain injury". I second the support group suggestion - my Dad had senile dementia and the support group operated for family members by the VA Hospice was one of the things that saved my sanity.

[tzi.livejournal.com]

Nah, hon. Some of us are just the suck-it-up-and-work-with-it types and some of us aren't. But I get it. *HUGS* One of our cousins had a car accident and lost two years of his life due to TBI. Forgot the girlfriend he was thinking about marrying. Forgot... almost everything, actually. Still can't pull everything together. It's a bad thing to watch in someone you love.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Yeah, exactly. It sucks beyond the telling sometime, and I hope that she's not really aware of what's happened. Thank you so much for dropping in--it really does help, you know. *hug*

[obsidian-rai.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* You so don't suck, honey. You're going through a tough time and you miss her and it's totally normal to feel all these things. *snuggles* Truly. You're a wonderful person, a wonderful sister and nothing you do or say is gonna make me think differently. Got it? *smooches*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Yes ma'm! I hear you!
*hugkisshug* love you, sweetie!

[sage]

*hugs you hard*

I went through something similar with my brother when he was ten and I was twelve. He was my best friend before, but after...we became total strangers. And stil are, really. He's got his life, his career, his friends, all in another city, and we don't know each other at all.

I could blather on about different kinds of grief, but I'm pretty sure you're already pretty well-versed.

This may be entirely presumptuous, but it might help to give her something tangible that she can hold in her hands, that says, "I don't have a fucking clue how to get through this, but I love you and I'll do my best." And then work on building something new with the materials at hand instead of trying to rely on a foundation that's half gone.

*hugs you more*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

This may be entirely presumptuous, but it might help to give her something tangible that she can hold in her hands, that says, "I don't have a fucking clue how to get through this, but I love you and I'll do my best." And then work on building something new with the materials at hand instead of trying to rely on a foundation that's half gone.

You made me cry and that's just such a wonderful idea--it made me realize, I gave her tons and tons of pictures of her daughter and my daughter ---but none of me. That kind of shook me up.

Thanks for sharing your own story with me, it is so much like what we're going through.

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You don't suck, you're grieving. I'm glad you can express this here.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

*hug back* I'm glad that you don't mind 'listening' to me.

[pepperjackcandy.livejournal.com]

:hugs Roxy:

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

*hugs you back so hard*

[emeraldsedai.livejournal.com]

Others have expressed my thoughts--you don't suck, you're grieving, this is such a difficult grief because your sister hasn't died, but is gone nonetheless.

Sometimes it's the hardest thing to be the well one, the strong one. You have all my sympathy. You deserve a break, and I'm glad LJ is here for you. Vent away. We all love you.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that you guys are here, your support really makes me feel stronger. And not quite so sucky. LJ is wonderful because I get to know people like you.

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

You're not whiny or a bitch, you're human and you're grieving and you are trying to cope with a loved one who is changed - irrevocably changed - and also with family in denial (brain injuries generate this the most because the injury isn't something that can be seen and come to terms with - like a scar or a broken leg, and people always fool themselves by saying "well, if we just do such and such and then they'll be fine," which is bullshit, of course)!

Nope--I'm a lot more of the screaming and whining and crying and ripping the shirt--the kind of person who would look down at a friend with a broken leg and say "Why?? Why does this always happen to me? And I suppose you'll want me to carry you now? Christ!"

I go through something like this at least once a day - that's a good day. On Annie's bad days, it is much more. Being brave isn't mindlessly shouldering a problem and cheerily marching on, I think being brave is being ready to scream your head off and curl up in a fetal ball and then somehow you still manage to get out of bed and get the job done.

PS

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

Is your sister in any kind of therapy and/or rehab for her TBI? If she isn't, that's something to look into. If she is, then never mind. I don't know where her damage is or how severe, but I've seen some programs that really help people with upping their life skills (including teaching them how to hang on to that all important notebook that their lack of short term memory makes them forget they have with them).

[fleegull.livejournal.com]

Honey, you are most defintely NOT a whiny baby. You are in a difficult position regarding someone you love very much and you are reacting the way any human being with a heart would. If it's any consolation, I admire the hell out of you and I think you are awesome and your family is lucky to have you!

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

*hugs you and snivels* Come and tell them that, would you?

Actually, I feel kind of sorry for them too- when I'm crabby and sad, they're sad right along with me. It's when I calm down and breathe that I know I'm lucky to have them too.

[teot.livejournal.com]

Your feelings are totally understandable. My grandmother had alzheimers, and often I'd not even want to be around her. You feel terrible, and you think you're a bad person, but everyone goes through that. So no, like everyone already said, you don't suck.

*hugs you*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, thank you for being so nice! *hugs back*

[coneyislandbaby]

You do not suck, as we have all said above *hugs a lot* Living with someone who has changed through illness is very difficult. You are venting, which is a good thing, you have somewhere you can do that. *more hugs* I wish I could offer more, but I'm thinking of you.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much--thanks for your kind thoughts. *hugs hard*

[anitac588.livejournal.com]

Sorry to read your post so late.

I hope your days will get easier. Even putting thoughts in LJ takes courage, to write them down, to open up a little. *hugs* I have no idea how I'd be in your situation, so I admire you for every ounce of strength you have or don't. Will be thinking of you.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Oh man-- it's better now, thank you so much. It's not as bad as I felt that day--sometimes things just *feel* worse then they are, you know? That's why I put the whining warning up when I complain. *blushes*

[tabaqui]

Oh, Ms. Thang. I wish i'd seen this sooner.
*hugs you hard*
You are NOT a bitch. YOu are NOT whiney. You do NOT suck. You are so brave and so fucking strong and FUCK THEM if they can't deal with the fact that you are mourning your sister, your best friend, your girl.

The person you loved and laughed with isn't there and you have EVERY RIGHT to be sad, and upset, and lost-feeling, and ANGRY, damnit. It's okay to be angry.

She's THERE, you didn't forget her and you're not putting her away - you are doing an amazing fucking job and nothing you feel is wrong or bad.

If i were there I'd take you out for ice cream and make you laugh a little and just hug you hard.
*hugs you hard, anyway*
Love you, RoxyMissRose, you know i do.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Oh shit-- I read this and *burst* into tears!

you know what--I love you like crazy and you always always make my heart hurt less when I'm upset. I think about you so much, lovey, knowing you is a blessing1