Warning--Whining Ahead. Not That This Is News To You But...

[roxy]

...I'm a big fuckin' baby and I share this because ya'll know I'm shallow and a not very nice person anyway. My sister is visiting for the weekend with us and I feel a little like stabbing myself in the eye. I love my sister, I really do--but this new person the TBI left behind is hard to deal with. Hard to recognize. It's so difficult to talk to her, and trying to keep her focused leaves me exhausted and depressed. I suck. It's only been two days and I'm ready to melt. She has so little memories of life before that it's sad and her short term memory is--just not. She covers pretty well--you'd never be able to tell that she doesn't retain much.

Why doesn't anyone else get it? They all act like nothing's changed and any minute she's going to wake up and be herself. They're all convinced that if we worked harder (meaning me, i guess) that she'd be fine again. When I try to explain why all their brilliant ideas for her aren't going to work I'm being a bitch.

You can't hand someone a notebook and tell them to check it for information if they don't remember they have the notebook--more importantly they don't care that they have the notebook.

Oh shit, I am a bitch. A whiny bitch. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I miss her so much and I can hardly stand to be around her. Nice hunh? Yeah, I'm not the one to come to when the chips are down. No brave hardy pioneer stock here, no shouldering the burden and dealing with the cards you're dealt.

Nope--I'm a lot more of the screaming and whining and crying and ripping the shirt--the kind of person who would look down at a friend with a broken leg and say "Why?? Why does this always happen to me? And I suppose you'll want me to carry you now? Christ!"

Crap. Still friends? I totally understand if you think I suck. I think so too.

You know, if I wasn't so gosh-darn cute--I'd have been capped ages ago.

Comments

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

You're not whiny or a bitch, you're human and you're grieving and you are trying to cope with a loved one who is changed - irrevocably changed - and also with family in denial (brain injuries generate this the most because the injury isn't something that can be seen and come to terms with - like a scar or a broken leg, and people always fool themselves by saying "well, if we just do such and such and then they'll be fine," which is bullshit, of course)!

Nope--I'm a lot more of the screaming and whining and crying and ripping the shirt--the kind of person who would look down at a friend with a broken leg and say "Why?? Why does this always happen to me? And I suppose you'll want me to carry you now? Christ!"

I go through something like this at least once a day - that's a good day. On Annie's bad days, it is much more. Being brave isn't mindlessly shouldering a problem and cheerily marching on, I think being brave is being ready to scream your head off and curl up in a fetal ball and then somehow you still manage to get out of bed and get the job done.

PS

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

Is your sister in any kind of therapy and/or rehab for her TBI? If she isn't, that's something to look into. If she is, then never mind. I don't know where her damage is or how severe, but I've seen some programs that really help people with upping their life skills (including teaching them how to hang on to that all important notebook that their lack of short term memory makes them forget they have with them).

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

See, this is also why I respect the hell out of you--not only because you're talented and funny and smart as all get out but because you're brave and have such a loving heart.