Me. It's always me....

[roxy]

So, here's what's going on.

Not so good news: Pop's not doing much better after having a positive upswing, he kind of crashed again. Good news, the therapists seem to think he can do well if he tries to. Bad news, he tells me he wants it to be over. So, I choose to think he means therapy. Anything else, and I'd be driven to kick his ass. It's a twisty, windy road we're taking here.

Good news: Today's Mr. Roxy's 52nd birthday! We had a nice day together, and BG came over with the Boyfriend to spend some time with us. She brought a cake and a new radio to replace the one she stole borrowed.

Other good news: Tomorrow's my 30th anniversary! I got my gift all ready--30 beautiful red roses. They look like a fucking shrub sitting on the table...*G*

Also, this is why I haven't been around much, or commented too much, or written much. I have some bits of The Lonely, I don't know if I should just post the small bitlets, or wait until I have a bigger post to make--what do you guys who are reading it want? I'm kind of stymied and need your input. *wibbly smile*

Comments

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Go, say--it's okay. I doubt you're gonna piss me off, *G* and sad--tchah! I've gotten kind of comfortable with sad.

Thanks for the good wishes! Morgan and I had quite the day. *koff* It was a good anniversary! ;)

[tabaqui]

Okay. Arrgh.

I don't know how old your dad is, or how truly sick. And everything you can do to make him comfortable, and help him, is good, good, good. But don't...don't try and 'guilt' him into doing things, or be angry at him if he says he's tired. If he says he feels like he's done. Just love him, and encourage him, but don't feel like he's doing something *bad* or wrong or...deliberately hurtful. Maybe he *is* tired. Maybe he just wants to rest, now, and stop having to struggle for his every day. It's hard. It *sucks*. I miss my dad every single day. And we could have had more time with him if we'd put him on dialysis. But he didn't want that. At all - ever. And we just had to let him go.

You might have ten more years with your dad, or twenty. You might have one. Just try not to make whatever time is left into...a battle, you know? Encourage, tell him how you feel, help him fight, but respect how he feels, too.

Maybe it's just 'hospital blues' talking. Maybe he'll feel 100 percent different when he gets home - and i hope he does! But his feelings are legitimate no matter what so just try not to let it make you angry, or hopeless. Just take whatever time and enjoy it and be with him as much as you can store it all up.

I hope he has many more years with you and this world, my darling Miss Rose, i truly do. But when it's time, don't begrudge him his rest.

*hugs you hard*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

You're right. I *know* you're right. I don't even know why it makes me so mad when he talks like that but you're right. I should print this out and paste it right over my desk. My dad and I have always been impatient with each other, true, but I don't want to burden him with my stuff when he doesn't need it. I just don't want him to go.

Thank you--you're a damn good friend.

[tabaqui]

It's hard to just say 'okay'. It's hard as fucking hell. When my dad was lying in that hospital bed, he wasn't even awake, not really, and we just...we had to tell him it was okay to go, if he wanted to, and fuck me that hurt. It hurt so bad and it still does but it was what had to be.

You love your dad, you want him *here*, we both know that and that's how it should be. But yeah, you just...take every bit of good and sweetness left to you, ten days or ten years and store it up and hold it close and give him all the happiness you can.

Ah, damnit. All this stuff sucks, doesn't it? Being grown up and having to face real things and the real world and having to be not selfish and having to be *good*. When all you wanna do is scream and cry and throw things.

*hugs you more*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Ah, dammit. All this stuff sucks, doesn't it? Being grown up and having to face real things and the real world and having to be not selfish and having to be *good*. When all you wanna do is scream and cry and throw things.

Yes, and yes--that's me to a tee. Thank the lord, Mr. R is a saint of a man, with the patience of--I don't know what, but it's endless. He's highly resistant to tantrums and bad behavior and he knows when a hug is needed. You should see him with my dad....

This is so different than with my mom. With Mom, it was so sudden--so quick you know? This....

But really, I feel better now--like I know at least how to think about it now. Thanks so much--*clings, but with less sniveling, really!*

[tabaqui]

Oh, my darling beloved. You can snivel all you like. RL sucks. Being a grown up sucks.
*clings back*
*hugs you tight*