Warning--Whining Ahead. Not That This Is News To You But...

[roxy]

...I'm a big fuckin' baby and I share this because ya'll know I'm shallow and a not very nice person anyway. My sister is visiting for the weekend with us and I feel a little like stabbing myself in the eye. I love my sister, I really do--but this new person the TBI left behind is hard to deal with. Hard to recognize. It's so difficult to talk to her, and trying to keep her focused leaves me exhausted and depressed. I suck. It's only been two days and I'm ready to melt. She has so little memories of life before that it's sad and her short term memory is--just not. She covers pretty well--you'd never be able to tell that she doesn't retain much.

Why doesn't anyone else get it? They all act like nothing's changed and any minute she's going to wake up and be herself. They're all convinced that if we worked harder (meaning me, i guess) that she'd be fine again. When I try to explain why all their brilliant ideas for her aren't going to work I'm being a bitch.

You can't hand someone a notebook and tell them to check it for information if they don't remember they have the notebook--more importantly they don't care that they have the notebook.

Oh shit, I am a bitch. A whiny bitch. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I miss her so much and I can hardly stand to be around her. Nice hunh? Yeah, I'm not the one to come to when the chips are down. No brave hardy pioneer stock here, no shouldering the burden and dealing with the cards you're dealt.

Nope--I'm a lot more of the screaming and whining and crying and ripping the shirt--the kind of person who would look down at a friend with a broken leg and say "Why?? Why does this always happen to me? And I suppose you'll want me to carry you now? Christ!"

Crap. Still friends? I totally understand if you think I suck. I think so too.

You know, if I wasn't so gosh-darn cute--I'd have been capped ages ago.

Comments

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Oh, great! What an impression I must be making! *blush*

It's so hard to experince these changes in someone that was so loving, so fun, so kind and so much my best friend in the whole world.
Okay-- no more whining today.

Your icon makes me smile and smile--isn't that our future president?

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

You just say that because for some strange reason, you like me--lucky, lucky me! *kisshug*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Dealing with it is all we can do--one day, kind of thing. It really does sort of work. *grin*

Thanks so much for the hug. *hugs you back*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the kindness--but see, I feel bad partly because she doesn't even live with me, I only see her every few months. I did care for her every day for about six months--and then I begged her husband to make different arrangements because I couldn't do it anymore. So there's some guilt there too. And I don't want to give the wrong impression of my people--they really are a very loving and kind bunch-- just felt a little beat up this morning. Trust me, I'm not going to play "Beat Myself Up" anymore.
I knew you were a very nice person-- thank you so much!

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you, your hugs make me feel loved!

Yeah, it's been three years, and I don't understand why *they* don't understand. It's not that they're uncaring or cold, they just want me to tell them it can be fixed, you know?

And actually, you wearing the Bo hat would make me smile. ;)

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

You do not suck, darling, even though you will probably always think that you do. I know I do, for all the times I thought "why to I have to deal with this??"

It's true, it's a feeling that's hard to make go away. Thanks so much for understanding. *hug*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank God for this space, I'm telling you. Not only are people so kind, but many of them really understand what you're going through, and are going through it too. I think it might help--I'm thinking talking to someone about stuff in general might help, but I'm kind of scared of that... *hugs you back hard*
Thank you dearest, thanks so much.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Yeah, exactly. It sucks beyond the telling sometime, and I hope that she's not really aware of what's happened. Thank you so much for dropping in--it really does help, you know. *hug*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Yes ma'm! I hear you!
*hugkisshug* love you, sweetie!

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

This may be entirely presumptuous, but it might help to give her something tangible that she can hold in her hands, that says, "I don't have a fucking clue how to get through this, but I love you and I'll do my best." And then work on building something new with the materials at hand instead of trying to rely on a foundation that's half gone.

You made me cry and that's just such a wonderful idea--it made me realize, I gave her tons and tons of pictures of her daughter and my daughter ---but none of me. That kind of shook me up.

Thanks for sharing your own story with me, it is so much like what we're going through.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

*hug back* I'm glad that you don't mind 'listening' to me.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

*hugs you back so hard*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that you guys are here, your support really makes me feel stronger. And not quite so sucky. LJ is wonderful because I get to know people like you.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

See, this is also why I respect the hell out of you--not only because you're talented and funny and smart as all get out but because you're brave and have such a loving heart.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

*hugs you and snivels* Come and tell them that, would you?

Actually, I feel kind of sorry for them too- when I'm crabby and sad, they're sad right along with me. It's when I calm down and breathe that I know I'm lucky to have them too.

[luvmax1.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I understand all of it, too- the guilt, I remember from when my grandmother was ill. It's hard for everyone.

[lastscorpion.livejournal.com]

*puts on NAPA Auto Parts cap*

(((((roxy)))))

[teot.livejournal.com]

Your feelings are totally understandable. My grandmother had alzheimers, and often I'd not even want to be around her. You feel terrible, and you think you're a bad person, but everyone goes through that. So no, like everyone already said, you don't suck.

*hugs you*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Heeeeeeee!!!! *happygrin*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, thank you for being so nice! *hugs back*

[suzvoy.livejournal.com]

Well that's because you kick ass - in a good way :) *hugs*

[coneyislandbaby]

You do not suck, as we have all said above *hugs a lot* Living with someone who has changed through illness is very difficult. You are venting, which is a good thing, you have somewhere you can do that. *more hugs* I wish I could offer more, but I'm thinking of you.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much--thanks for your kind thoughts. *hugs hard*

[obsidian-rai.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* Love you, too!

[anitac588.livejournal.com]

Sorry to read your post so late.

I hope your days will get easier. Even putting thoughts in LJ takes courage, to write them down, to open up a little. *hugs* I have no idea how I'd be in your situation, so I admire you for every ounce of strength you have or don't. Will be thinking of you.